If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
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Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
idk flipping houses looks really hard
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?