If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
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Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Florida man
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead