i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
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Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
PLEASE READ
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
The internet is full of many things
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
can’t bark with your mouth full
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”