If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
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wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly