If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
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I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
The Others (2001)
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time