Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
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The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
opening twitter today
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while