If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
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I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”