“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
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[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here