@TheClingyGF: If you're not cheating on me, then why won't you let me install surveillance cameras in your house.
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@Underchilde: My girlfriend told me to “tread lightly.” So when I ran over her, I drove really slow.
@joshgondelman: Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I'm mostly terrified by how I'll never be able to afford to own a home.
@Sickayduh: "Yeah can I have a triple bacon cheeseburger..." *sees Grim Reaper in passenger seat* *sigh* "and can you put lettuce and tomato on that?"
@rockymomax: [dinner] DAD: let's roast this bird ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born DAD: haha nice