If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
You Might Also Like
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Thursday
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home