If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
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My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man