If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
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came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.