If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
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if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Ugh
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me