If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
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[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.