If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
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Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.