If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
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Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.