If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
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What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]