@Losephine: If you're reading this fortune cookie, I am being held at the Golden Dragon Dumpling Outlet against my will. Send help.
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@LeBearGirdle: Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage? Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
@JediGigi: Me: I don't feel well Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi? Me: No Mom: ... Me: ... Mom: ... Me: *throws up plastic banana*
@Brianhopecomedy: Got really excited when my wife said she was going to teach me something new in the bedroom until she started folding a fitted sheet.