Impervious: being an admitted pervert
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what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
There’s only one good girl here!
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit