Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
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My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.