Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
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If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me