If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
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My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Good morning, Twitter x
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.