I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
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I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
me hitting on a model
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
me and the Superbowl rn
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink