If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
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told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.