[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
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Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Doctors texting each other.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*