A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
You Might Also Like
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
This meal prepping shit is easy
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs