If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
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According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]