ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
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Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Just why bro?!
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.