If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
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Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.