If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
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“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.