If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
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If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,