if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
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Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”