If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
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me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.