Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
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Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”