If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
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the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.