@13spencer: If you're walking down the street and see a teenager, don't panic; just yell "One Direction selfie twerk" and slip away in the confusion.
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@OkieGirl405: This is a fake tweet, someone asked me to put their # in my phone so I'm pretending to add it to my contacts
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
@stevevsninjas: Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.