I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
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I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure