If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
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Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
❤️❤️❤️
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?