If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
You Might Also Like
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed