@WhatevaConc: If you're wearing sunglasses & it's not at all sunny out, you can't get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
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@Bagyants: "What if we make headphones that stay in people's ears?" "Good idea Bob!" [aside] "Kill him and his whole family." -Apple meeting
@david8hughes: [at the mall] "Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?" "Of course." [leans in to mic] "Goodbye you little shit."
@bigmacher: I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was 'damn you 2016!' but then i realized it was just his birthday.
@djr_102: Spice up your Facebook timeline when someone's status turns to "It's complicated" by posting "thanks for last night" underneath it.