If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
You Might Also Like
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Ha
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I have a place for everything. The floor.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways