@Sally5977: If you’re wondering at what age you’ll stop messing up your life know that it’s not 40 and apparently not 50 either.
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@Merman_Melville: Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can't it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
@vineyille: “Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
@AmericanGent69: I'm at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I'd be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
@heytherecore: [Dinner with GF's parents] Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom? "MAY I use the bathroom" *slams fists down* I ASKED FIRST