“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
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Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
look at me when i’m typing to you
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley