I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
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Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.