If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
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2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Dolls on drugs
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.