If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
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7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck