@Tommytoughstuff: ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That's an egg beater.
@TheAlexNevil: "You're unemployed 364 days a year. It's not that sexy."
--Mrs. Cupid
@bornmiserable: Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
@SteveSuckington: ME: I can't come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she's a cat
@Consent2Treat: I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
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