If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
You Might Also Like
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
It was worth a shot 😂
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.