@WilliamAder: If you've ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you've seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
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@Tommytoughstuff: ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose. DENTIST: That's an egg beater.
@bornmiserable: Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
@SteveSuckington: ME: I can't come in to work. My grandma died BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year ME: yeah she's a cat