@HatfieldAnne: If you've ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
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@mikealfredcaine: saw your mum at the supermarket buying vaseline & cucumbers & nothing else, no wonder your dad died if that what she puts in sandwiches
@VaguelyFunnyDan: A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it 'cause I made it up.
@DrBacos: Shoutout to my Cold War reenactment group! We're just a bunch of chill white guys, sitting at a table, acting stressed about the USSR.