@Social_Mime: If you've ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren't wondering anymore.
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@Vodkantots: If I were really famous, I wouldn't even need body guards. These maxi pads promise me 10 hours of protection, each.
@Donnie_Fairburn: 911: What's your emergency? Me: I brought a girl home last night 911: That's not an- Me: NOW SHE WON'T LEAVE! *swat team busts down my door*
@abradacabla: *walks up to Michael Cohen's door* "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "Says." "Says who?" "THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM."