If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
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wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now