@Social_Mime: If you've ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren't wondering anymore.
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@CaucasianJames: grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
@ArfMeasures: WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud* BEE *depressed* holy shit
@Dawn_M_: A guy told me I'm bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.