If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
You Might Also Like
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?