Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
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Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
The struggle is real
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat