If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
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6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
notice
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not