Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
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Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.