IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
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Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.