[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
You Might Also Like
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
the chicken was already gone when I got here