@: Ikea meatballs pulled from shelves because they contain horse meat. Man, that's the last time I buy meatballs at a furniture store.
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@amyisforawesome: If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.
@Brianhopecomedy: *bakes 12 cookies* *waits for family to come home* *eats 12* *family arrives* 5 year old: "I SMELL COOKIES!" "Weird! Here's a salad."
@thenatewolf: *stuck in elevator with beautiful woman* I know it's only been 10 minutes but I'm gonna take a poop ok?
@rolldiggity: It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.